1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
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2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
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3. You have more wives than teeth.
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4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
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5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
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6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.
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7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
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8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
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9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
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10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
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11. Your cousin is president of the United States.
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